Scotty vs Pillsbury

I acquired a tube of Pillsbury croissants recently, and today I decided to bake them. After fighting with the tube to get it open, and then fighting with it again to actually get the dough out, I discovered a major roadblock.

The directions say to unroll the dough and then separate it along the perforations. No problem, except my dough came out as a solid mass. I could see that it was rolled on the edges, but it seemed that everything but the ends was just solid dough.

Seeing how I couldn't sepearte it properly, I decided to do the only logical thing: bake the entire mass of dough and eat it. Then I got another idea: take pictures.

So, to rip off Matt from X-E, I give you Scotty vs Pillsbury 2005: Bitchin in the Kitchen

There are lots of pictures in here, so click the thumbnails for the full effect. I think. I've never done thumbnails before, so if it doesn't work right, don't blame me. Big thanks go out to ImageShack for hosting these.

First off, a look at my adversary:


And a close up of the impenetrable mass of dough that lies beneath the surface:


You can see on the end that it looks like it's a roll of dough, and not just a lump. It's sneaky like that.


Man that looks awful. After preheating the oven, I slid the sucker in.



Baking was kinda boring, but it smelled awesome. I figured that even if it didn't bake properly and I wound up eating a mass of raw dough, the smell that it made while baking would make it all worthwhile. Here's my half-baked opponent:



13 minutes after the ordeal began, the dough log was baked, and had mutated into a bigger, slightly crispier dough log. I name him Pillsnor. 3 quick pictures of Pillsnor to show how he changed during his time imprisoned in the oven:







Notice how the end is now completely sealed up? Poor Pillsnor, I've disfigured you. As an act of contrition, I'll now devour you, with a little help from my old friend Sinister Sun Mug.



Here's a meal fit for a king, on a coffee table fit for lesser king:


This is our field of battle. The enemy has one advantage: it's too big and floppy to be picked up. However, where's there's a will, there's a way:


Your floppiness is your undoing, my old nemesis.

Cheesy dialogue done with, I took a bite. And got a very happy surprise:


It was baked through, and tasted like pure undistilled awesomeness. I was whisked to a world of supreme happiness, where nothing could ever go wrong, where everybody got along, and pigeons didn't exist.

Then I remembered this was a fight to the death, and I kept eating my enemy's golden baked body.


You seem to be disappearing, Pillsnor. What's been eating you lately? Oh wait, I have!

If you look closely there, you can see divisions where, most likely, the individual rolls were supposed to separate from. As I got to that last one, I got a bit of a surprise:


Evidence that this part of dough could have been unrolled. You can see a ringlike structure in the cross section of Pillsnor shown here. Was this whole struggle in vain, revenge against an entity that had merely shown my own inadequacy? Had the fight been decided before it even started?

I had lost. Even if I beat Pillsnor's baked deliciousness, he had shown my weakness, had that anything I did to him would simply be a futile act of blind revenge and hatred. If I strike him down, he will become more powerful than I can possibly imagine.

Screw it.



A winner is me.